I’d love to hear what you guys think about this article (below).
This article made me smile. I think there’s definitely a grain of truth to it. Contentment is a great place to be and always searching for something better can only lead to misery. I like this article and I agree with it. But I guess I can’t relate to this woman entirely because, after nearly five years, I still think Kevin is a saint and he IS my best friend. Either I’m just a lucky girl or my rose-colored glasses have a lot of mileage on them.
A Marriage That's Good Enough
by Corinne Colbert (June 4, 2007)
My husband is not my best friend. He doesn't complete me. In fact, he can be a self-absorbed jerk. We're nearly polar opposites: He's a lifetime member of the NRA who doesn't care for journalists, and I'm a lifelong liberal with a journalism degree. On the other hand, he doesn't beat or emotionally abuse me. He doesn't drink or chase other women. He's a good provider. So I'm sticking with him.
Some people would call that "settling," like it's a bad thing. But I believe in settling.
The Random House Unabridged Dictionary defines "to settle" as "to place in a desired state or order; to quiet, calm or bring to rest; to make stable." In short, it means that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Alas, too many of us buy into a different adage: that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. From movies to magazines to commercials, we're told we should demand more from lives that are, for many of us, pretty good. We're supposed to look better, eat better, find better jobs, be better lovers and parents and workers. A stable marriage isn't enough; it's supposed to be a fairy tale. Perfection is the goal.
But at what cost? Would I really be any happier if I took up yoga and ate more soy? If my spouse wasn't just my partner, but also was my soul mate? I doubt it.
Settling, in my sense, is about acceptance. I'm a pretty happy person, in large part because I'm honest with myself about what I have. My body isn't bikini-worthy, but it's healthy. I'll never write for Rolling Stone as I once dreamed, but I am making a living as a writer. I yell at my sons and let them play too much GameCube, but I'm still a good mom.
Of course, some situations are worth improving. If your weight jeopardizes your health, exercise and change your eating habits. If your job makes you truly miserable, find a new one. If your marriage is toxic, end it. Chances are, though, you probably have what you need: a roof over your head, food on the table, a job that pays the bills, and family and friends. If you're unhappy, ask yourself: Am I unhappy because I really don't have what I need, or because I just want more?
So, yes, I'm settling. Sure, I wish my husband would kiss me more often, tell me he loves me every day, and get as excited about my accomplishments as I do. Emptying the dishwasher without being asked and giving me unsolicited foot massages wouldn't hurt, either.
All that would be nice, but it's not necessary. I'm happy with my husband who, despite his flaws, is a caring father, capable of acts of stunning generosity and fiercely protective of his family. Thinking about him may not set me on fire as it used to, but after 17 years and two kids, our love is still warm. And I believe that's good enough.
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10 comments:
I liked reading this, it is nice to read about being content with what you have and not looking for something "better" all the time.
you're right, its hard for all of us "newlyweds" to relate, but i do like her sentiment.
The casual acknowledgement of the wide differences of worldview really stopped me cold. In a world that prides itself on tolerance and live and let live, this is probably supposed to be a good thing and the writer wants to pat herself on the back for being so accepting and lassez-faire (sp?). Within a Christian marriage, however, we should expect some greater overlap of compatibility. Opposites may attract in terms of temperament and tastes, but there shouldn't be a basic disconnect on the more important philosophical issues in which both parties just agree to disagree, so to speak. This isn't a healthy settling; it's burying one's head in the sand, and it should have been uncovered and dealt with in premarital counseling.
Otherwise, it just sounds like typical women's magazine platitude. Being "realistic" and "honest" is supposed to be clever nowadays.
I do think there is some room for pointing out that ridiculously high standards are unrealistic, and that we shouldn't let our daydreams cheat us of the joys to be found in real life. But I think we already know that.
Write me off as a rosy-glasses newlywed, but I'm coming up on four years now and I'm still madly in love with my man, who really is my ideal husband.
I agree, one should be content. However, I feel sorry for this woman. Sorry because obviously neither feels the need to improve themselves not just for each other, but for Christ -- something foreign to non-believers.
Next month we're celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary and like you Amy, I'm still very much in love with my husband. I realize he's not perfect, but then neither am I and I wouldn't want him to be perfect. We strive towards perfection and in the midst we love each other through the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful moments. I might be considered still a "newlywed" compared to this woman's 17 years, but you know what... I don't expect things to change. That is to say -- change for the worse. Who I married 5 years ago is the person I married today. The only changes have been for the better and come with time and age. I look at my own parents who will be celebrating their 37th wedding anniversary this summer and to my in-laws who just celebrated their 30th -- that's the type of marriage I expect to have. One that has mutual love and respect and a love for Christ. I didn't settle, I found what God had for me and I'm loving it. :)
I have to agree with what Sarah and Rose said. I think Christian marriage calls us to work on our relationship and I'm quite blessed to be even more certain than the day I said "I do."
However, in once sense, this article helped me relate to some of my girl friends who married the person in front of them at the time they were ready to get married. I kept looking for "THE ONE." But most of them are happy in a way I can't relate to. (Their "separate lives" marriages would make me miserable.) I think personality plays into it and expectations.
But this writer sounds a little lazy. And without God....What's to stop either of them from finding someone more interesting, more perfect for them, and moving on? -r
Rose, you bring up a very valid point about how Christian marriages should be different as far as philosophical agreement. I agree with that.
After experiencing a marriage that transcends mere "compatability" I can't imagine experiencing the ins-and-outs of life with "good enough." Kevin IS my soul mate and I'm so grateful to have that type of communion with him.
But I think what was nice about this article was reading about a woman who has found peace where she is with the marriage she chose 17 years ago.
Our culture does teach us to be constantly searching, ala the typical Hollywood romance that only lasts 48 hours. The message brought out in this article is that it's not a bad thing to accept where you are and enjoy what you have. I think a lot of people out there probably need to hear that message more often.
As Christians, we should be having better marriages than non-Christians, but to hear something like this coming from a presumably unregenerate soul DOES say something positive - we as Christians SHOULD hope that more secular marriages were this solid. The breakdown of marriage (secular or not) results in the breakdown of society. We should hope for a general sense of morality (however unrealistic) in our culture because hey, we all have to live here. No, we as Christian women shouldn't relate to this - but we should be encouraged by it.
Everyone said such great things that I really have nothing to add. I just wanted to comment in agreement! I'm with Rose, Christian marriages should be better. I'm with Sarah, no one is perfect but we love each other through the good, bad and beautiful moments. I didn't settle either and I'm loving it! I'm grateful that I never felt like I had to settle. But for the girls that have - like Rachelle mentioned - it helps me to relate to many couples I know who, essentially, live seperate lives from one another. And THAT is something I CANNOT imagine! So obviously sometimes these types of marriages work although I wouldn't call them preferable. This journalist does show some "stick to" in a world that doesn't require it and that is admirable in a sense. But I still feel sorry for her.
She has the right attitude: take life as it is, not as you daydream it to be. Love your spouse for who he/she is, not for who you daydream him to be.
But, as others commented, she doesn't see much need to improve. If I wanted my husband to kiss me more, I'd ask him to do it. He recently asked me to change a little habit of mine, and I'm glad to do it for him. That's different from her idea of just "settling." It's not that we try to change each other, but that we are always trying to love each other better. (Not "more," but "better.")
I think a bunch of us ended up in marriages that most of the world thinks is impossible: we really did marry our best friends, and we are anxious to keep that friendship alive. But I think we came into marriage with a different set of expectations, based on unity with God and union with one another, that changes our priorities.
Coming up on seven-years-and-three-kids, and I still miss my husband until he comes home from work every day.
-- SJ
There are so many great comments here, and I’ll try hard not to be redundant. As I read the comments, I was smiling to myself at the thought of so many ladies that are married to their best friends and have very happy marriages. It’s by God’s grace we find ourselves in such positions, and I’ve often been reminded it would be incredibly difficult to go through life without God’s grace. Not only does He bless our lives forthright, but He offers an arrangement within our relationship with Him to have our desires changed. That’s the beauty of this two way street: “Delight yourself in the Lord; And He will give you the desires of your heart.” (Psalm 37:4) There are many who are not fortunate enough to have married their best friend, or who are not still in love with their spouse as much now as they were the day they married. However, when we’re children of God, we have (tangible) access to a much higher calling. For not being bornagain, I think this lady has a great perspective on *her* marriage.
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