My aunt, who is a second-born child, recently sent me some advice about second-borns:
“As a second child, speaking from experience, let me tell you: don't forget to set time apart separately for each child. Us middle/second-born kids tend to always feel overlooked. The oldest and youngest children tend to get all the attention. Especially when it comes to baby/childhood photos.”
I remember my second-born sister always complaining about how every baby photo of her also had me in it too. She hated the fact that there weren’t any baby photos of her just by herself.
Are there any other second-borns out there with any advice?
Honestly, I’m somewhat scared about being a mom to a second-born. When this child is born she will enter a world of first-born people. Everyone else in her immediate family will be first-borns. And even all her grandparents except for one (my dad) will be first-borns.
I feel that I don’t have very much understanding or wisdom about second-born children. In fact, come to think about it, the amazing, overwhelming majority of all my friends growing up and currently are first-borns too!
Probably the best thing going for me is that I was a first-born daughter with a second-born sister and I can learn from the mistakes I made as a first-born. So, I will have A LOT to say to Meredith about what to do and not do. I have some regrets about how I treated my second-born sister. These regrets are mostly related to how I shunned her and wouldn’t include her with “my friends.”
So, maybe the best thing I can do is try to follow my aunt’s advice—to make this one feel as special and distinct and unique as possible—and then spend lots of time telling Meredith how to love her sister better and do the first-born thing right.
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5 comments:
Well, if it is any small comfort, this little one will have a second-born pastor! =)
Hi Amy,
I'm not a second-born, but I have noticed that with my 2 girls, I tend to be more protective of my little one than of my first. I want to make sure that she isn't overlooked by me, especially when she seems to take a 2nd place to her sister with grandparents. Also, my husband is a 2nd and the thing he mentioned about not liking it was that he hated being thought of as #2. It's such a balancing act, isn't it? :-)
Just Me
I am a second born, and not too messed up. Most of my baby photos include my older brother, but who cares? Will is also a second born, and his therapist tells him that within the next 15-20 office visits, his issues should be all cleared up. :)
Second born children also tend to be a whole lot easier going than their older sibling, at least the ones I've met....
I was a second girl, and my entire life was dedicated to the goal of being as little like my older sister as possible. My sister had posters of celebrities, started smoking in junior high, wore short-shorts and mid-drift shirts, and was very introverted. I, therefore, was a model good-child. Mom was a little taken aback when I explained, years later, the primary motivation of my "goodness." On a happy note, my older sister and I are very good friends now.
I think one of the worst things you could do -- and I doubt you'll do it -- is to say to your second-born, "Meredith does it this way," or "I'm glad you don't do that like Meredith does." Second-borns don't take comments like that lightly.
(And also don't recommend to your younger daughter that she go to your older daughter for "wisdom and counsel," as one mother I knew of did. Bad results.)
-- SJ
I would definitely recommend you have "separate child time" with each of your children, and to take pictures of #2 sans-Meredith, but to not go overboard and not have any pictures of the two of them together.
Coming from a family of four girls, (since the littlest siblings don't really "count" in the whole scheme of how us girls grew up), I would say that my two older sisters were so close in age, there was very little 1st or 2nd born rivalries, but there were a TON more with me (3rd) who was two years younger than #2 and two years older than #3. I always felt "left out" because I was neither cool/obedient/well-behaved like my older sisters or babied like my younger sister.
Since you're aware of it now, and don't write it off when your child comes to you, you'll probably have children that can deal with it just fine.
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