2013 Books

Here’s my recap of books I read this past year.  I will list my Top Books at the end …

The Happiness Project (Rubin) – Several things that Rubin communicated in this book have stuck with me throughout the year.  What is it that makes people truly happy?  Is it different for each person, or are there general principles, or a little bit of both?  I was intrigued by the idea of this likable, intelligent woman setting out to find the route to happiness, writing about the subject in general, and focusing on a different area of life each month (relationships, money, etc.).  Even though she writes from a secular point of view, and I question true happiness apart from Christ, because He is hope and love and the Bread of Life, I think there are things that are generally applicable that anyone can take from it--and she does mention the correlation between spirituality and happiness.  As an aside, it seems like it is the vogue thing these days to take a concept, focus on a different aspect of it each month for 12 months, and wha-la, you can write a bestselling memoir about it.  Who started this trend? 

In the President’s Secret Service (Kessler) – If you want some insight into what the more recent presidents and their families were really like, behind closed doors, you will love this book.  It’s chock-full of so many interesting stories.  It also has lots of fascinating details about the workings of the Secret Service and its history.  The men telling the stories are people who were willing to take a bullet for the president. They didn’t always respect him as an individual, but they have always had utmost regard for his office.  This was a great book.

Be the Mom (Eyster) – This book had some good things to say about common attitude traps that moms can fall prey to, and how that affects our families.  I thought the book had good reminders but nothing that blew my socks off.  I am currently (it will make next year’s list) reading an absolutely wonderful book on mothering called A Mother’s Heart by Fleming.  It is one of those books that I feel will change my kids because it will first change me, and it’s making me a more intentional mom.  So, basically, I just hijacked the paragraph about this book to recommend ANOTHER book.  Nice. 

One L (Turow) – This memoir follows the author’s intense experiences as a first year student at Harvard Law School. The competition and stress is so thick, as you read you will feel that you are sitting in class with the author, praying the professor will not call on you today.  Turow writes well and also offers some critiques on how the next generation of lawyers is/should be educated.  Although the book was written in the 70s, I don’t think much has changed.   

Plain and Simple: A Woman’s Journey to the Amish (Bender) – This book is about a modern artist in San Francisco who admires Amish quilts and decides to go stay with an Amish family to learn more about the people who make such stunning, yet simple, works of art.  I could never really completely relate with the author.  Her experiences were somewhat interesting but I found the book to move rather slowly.  But maybe that was the point?  Since so many people are enamored with the Amish and their simple lifestyle, I guess this book wasn’t earth shattering for me. 

The Greater Journey: Americans in Paris (McCollough) – This book is about the American artists and literary figures (and some cutting-edge medical students), who went to live in Paris—the happening place—during the 1800s. I thought this book was informative and charming.  Anything about Paris is charming, right?  And it was interesting to learn more about who knew who and how these famous people’s experiences in Paris shaped them. I recommend it. 

Dietrich Bonehoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy (Metaxes) – This book did not disappoint.  Bonehoeffer is a modern Christian hero, and for good reason.  In many ways, he was just an ordinary guy but he had the courage and insight to stand up to the face of evil, Adolf Hitler, when many church leaders in Germany were capitulating to him.  This book was excellent and I highly recommend it.  It was interesting how his mother’s faith was probably the biggest influence in his life and affected his decision to become a pastor and helped shape his worldview.  The power of moms!

The Return of the Native (Hardy) – Hardy is apparently one of the premier “landscape writers” in classical literature.  It’s been months since I’ve read it, but as I sit and think of the characters in this book, strong images come to mind.  I think Hardy did a great job of crafting memorable characters.  The book did, however, move really slowly with not a lot of interesting plot.  Let’s be honest: This is one of those Vitamin Books I read because I thought it would be good for me and it was on the list of classics I am trying to read in chronological order.  And this is an example of yet another book (joining three other classics I read in 2012, and another one later in 2013) about a woman in a discontented marriage, all written by men.   So. Tired. Of. This. Genre.  Divorce may be really awful, but I’m beginning to think that it’s not always the worst thing. 

Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe (Clarkson and Mae) – This book captured the essence of my life the last several years, 2013 definitely included. I loved the format of the book, a young woman with small children who is trying to do it “right” in the midst of the exhaustion, and an older mentor who speaks so graciously and kindly, with such insight and wisdom.  This was a helpful and encouraging book.  It would also be good for women to read who are out of this crazy phase of life, to get ideas for how they could encourage younger women who are still in the trenches.  I think the thing that I miss the most right now is my freedom.  Even though I love my kids beyond measure, I feel trapped some days because I don’t have the ability to just go run errands, or take a quick run around the neighborhood.  Hardly anything can be spontaneous.  I hope I never forget this, when this season passes, so I can be compassionate and helpful to others who are going through it. 

Bossypants (Fey) – Hey, a gal’s gotta laugh sometimes.  (See the review immediately above.)  This comedienne’s memoir did the trick.  The book is irreverent at times, but what else would you expect from someone who makes her living making people laugh?

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (Sawyer) – What is not to love about Huck Finn?  I listened to the audio book on my iPod while doing chores and my kids would stop to ask me why I was chuckling. 

Cold Tangerines (Niequist) – I love this woman.  She is so real and I can relate to her so much.  Can I move next door to her, please?  Her writing is evocative, like a rich dessert, and spot-on.  After finishing this book, I immediately ordered the next one and am actually reading the third, her last one, right now (January 2014) which is also great.  Her blog is wonderful as well.  Cold Tangerines is basically a bunch of randomness, with each chapter speaking to something different.  But there is a recurring theme of spark and zest for life, and living largely.  She also writes from a Christian point of view. 

Holy Land (Waldie) – This book is a memoir about the history of the suburb I grew up in, in Long Beach, California.  After World War II, there was a boom in the aerospace industry in Southern California and massive amounts of homes were needed to accommodate the rising workforce.  It was the second largest development ever attempted in the United States and the first time that model homes were used to sell new construction.  There were lines and lines of customers every day and the builders could hardly meet up with the demand.  The book also details the first shopping center that went up in that area that set new standards for all modern-day shopping malls.  All of the places mentioned in this book are places I know well and can easily recall in my mind.  I really enjoyed reading this history of where I grew up.  You might not enjoy it like I did but if you are interested in housing development or random history, you might.  

The Portrait of a Lady (James) – Isabel Archer is a confident, intelligent, and kind woman who makes mistakes (one big one: she marries the wrong guy—yes, I know, this theme in classical literature is getting very old) but in the end she resurrects herself and reestablishes herself.  I really liked Isabel.  She had a zest for life that I admired.  I cringed when she unwittingly allowed herself to be manipulated into a loveless marriage.  But the ending wasn’t as desperate and bad as I thought it would be—although it does have an element of ambiguity—especially after all the other classic books I have read lately.  I enjoyed this one.   

A Path Through Suffering (Elliot) – Elisabeth Elliot has such a beautiful way of putting skin and bones on concepts and making them relevant and meaningful.  She has endured personal suffering and been refined because of it.  I picked up this book after talking with a friend at our neighborhood swimming pool.  She had suffered a health crisis and was asking me the meaning of suffering. I thought this book might be helpful to her.  I feel that Elliot’s book would be more helpful to someone who has been a Christian for many years and is already acquainted with the scriptures.  I think this book assumes that the reader already knows the bible well. I wasn’t sure this was the right book for my friend, but I did find some helpful articles online for her.  And I was glad I read the book in the end, but it just wasn’t right for my friend.  

A Year in Biblical Womanhood (Held-Evans) – This book is hot in Christian circles.  After reading about it on different occasions, and getting a recommendation from my sister-in-law, I thought I should pick it up.  I felt conflicted about this book.  But it did make me think.  I believe that if a book gets under your skin and makes you think, that’s a really good thing whether or not you end up agreeing with it in the end.  Held-Evans basically takes a year to ask what living out “Biblical Womanhood” really looks like.  She takes a new theme every month, for 12 months (see my comment above, after The Happiness Project).  She takes the bible literally at every turn.  Starting right there, I have a problem with what she did.  I realize that there is great debate over what should be interpreted literally in scripture and what should not.  But I think that most Christians agree that not everything should be taken literally—like we should not sleep out in a tent in our front yard during menstruation—and many Old Testament rituals are fulfilled in Christ.  Because she took everything completely literally, I felt like her book smacked of sacrilege and made a mockery of the bible.  I think that if a non-Christian read this book, they would ask why on earth anyone would believe any of this biblical mumbo-jumbo.  I think the biggest problem I had with it was that Held-Evans deemed herself the ultimate authority on the bible and did not attempt to treat the scriptures carefully and respectfully.  I think Held-Evans was trying to make the point that women should stop bickering and majoring on the “minors” in the bible, when there is a lot of disagreement on things like “egalitarianism vs. complementarianism” (something that I can see both sides of, and believe that either viewpoint can be taken to a wrongful extreme—you can read lots about this online), and focus on the central point of the gospel and our love for Christ and others.  We should be less harsh with each other and love each other more, as Christ loved.  That’s a good thing.  But I also think that the book is a bad testimony and makes the bible seem outdated, irrelevant, and even worse, just plain silly.  The scriptures are deep and rich and have stood the test of time, and numerous thoughtful, theological debates.  I would not have gotten that impression reading this book as a non-Christian with no background and experience with the bible or church history.  I think this book could ultimately do a lot more harm than good. 

Bittersweet (Niequist) – This was another great Niequist book.  The themes in this book centered more on taking what life hands you and how the good also, almost always, comes with the bad.  Life is bittersweet, for sure.  One thing I have been thinking about a lot since this book is the question of “Who is on my home team?”  Everyone has a home team.  Some have larger teams than others, but everyone has one.  The people who are on your home team are the people you would drop everything for to help them in time of need.  This helps prioritize your life and helps you decide when you should go to extremes to help people.  After reading this chapter, an acquaintance asked me to watch her daughter for a few hours so she could attend a political luncheon.  I was on Day #3 of a bad head cold and all I really wanted to do was take a nap. So, I told her no.  If this lady was on my home team (or if it was an emergency, of course), I would have probably said yes anyway.   

The Paris Wife (MacDuffie) –This was a great historical novel, about the first wife of Ernest Hemingway, who lived with him in Paris while he wrote The Sun Also Rises.  It was so well-written and evocative, with so many good word pictures.  I really enjoyed it and learned a lot about Hemingway.  It was also about the death of a marriage, which sounds depressing, but there were so many uplifting, fun, and good things in this book, that it balanced out the death-of-marriage part.  After reading this book, I spent hours online reading about Hemingway and all four, yes FOUR, of his wives. 

The Year of Magical Thinking (Didion) – Joan Didion was married to her best friend for four decades when he suddenly passed away, after coming home from the hospital to visit their daughter (only child) who was in critical condition at a local hospital and not expected to live.  Didion writes so well.  She kept repeating the phrase that “you sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends” to refer to her husband’s sudden passing.  I guess I wanted to read this book to learn more about her experience in grief.  It was sad but also “true” as death is a part of life.  They had a beautiful marriage, with so many wonderful memories.  Grief is not something that you do, and then you’re done.  Although some moments of grief are more intensely felt than others, you never get over losing your best friend of 40 years.  This was a good book.

The Necklace (Jarvis) – If reading The Return of the Native is akin to taking a vitamin, this book is like eating a Jolly Rancher.  My local library keeps a journal of books that patrons have enjoyed and recommend and I saw this one mentioned in there.  I was flipping through this journal because I was trying to find a fun and easy book to read on the plane, should my nine-month-old lap child allow me a few moments to read! (I am crazy, right?!)  My interest was certainly piqued after reading the first chapter of this true story.  In a nutshell, one woman admires a luxury diamond necklace at a jewelry store, something that very few people could afford to buy.  She decides to ask 12 friends to split the cost with her and rotate taking turns with the necklace, relinquishing the necklace to the next woman in line at monthly meetings.  The women made exceptions, loaning the necklace freely amongst themselves for special occasions, daughters’ weddings, or whimsical fancies (have you ever entertained the idea of skydiving, let alone doing it while wearing a $30,000 necklace?).  The necklace goes on to be shared with unlikely people in unlikely places (a Starbucks barista, for instance) and also is used to raise funds for charity events, touching many lives.  The necklace comes to mean different things to each woman in the group.  It transcends materialism and brings together these diversified women who may not have naturally had any other common bond.  I think it’s important for a woman to have girlfriends and I really enjoyed reading about how these women loved each other and supported each other, despite their differences.  (Warning: one woman talks about her marital sex life transformation in explicit detail and, while I’m thrilled for her, I wonder what her teenage daughter thought when she read the sordid details of her mom’s sex life. If that bothers you, then you can skip the chapter that has a picture of a woman holding a whisk!)  The motion picture rights to this book have recently been sold and I look forward to seeing what Hollywood does with this sweet and fun book.

Ender’s Game (Card) – The movie came out this year and some friends hurriedly joined the throng to watch it at the theater, claiming that it was their favorite book.  So, I got the audio book and listened to it.  I think sci-fi can be appealing, and highlight truth so wonderfully, and I enjoyed this book a lot, although it’s not my favorite genre.  Ender and his sister Valentine had such a sweet relationship and I really did like them.  The book swallowed me up in the details of Ender’s world, especially during the combat training scenes, and I really enjoyed the awesome plot twist at the end.  I recommend it, even if you don’t generally like sci-fi. 

The Madness of Mary Lincoln (Emerson) – Wow.  I knew Mary Lincoln was a really difficult woman and I knew people thought she was crazy, but I never knew that she actually was subjected to an insanity trial and was declared legally insane.  This book details the account of Mary Lincoln’s tragic life, and particularly focuses on the insanity trial and its aftermath.  Truth is definitely stranger than fiction at times.  This book was mesmerizing, from Mary Lincoln’s frivolous, privileged, high-society youth, to her sad, bitter, frenzied end.  She was a volatile, troubled woman to begin with and so you can imagine the affects of losing three sons at a young age and watching your husband be brutally murdered at a public event.  That would be traumatic for anyone.  For Mary, something snapped.  The book chronicles letters written by Mary Lincoln and her friends, and paints a defensive portrait of her son Robert Lincoln, who has been heavily criticized by historians for having his mother tried and committed.  The book also delves into the topic of insanity trials in the 19^th century and how they were often used for political reasons against helpless, innocent women who were no more insane than the judges who had them committed.  Interesting!

Blue Like Jazz (Miller) – My thoughtful friend Beth recommended this book.  She said to me, “If Jesus were here on earth today, he probably wouldn’t be hanging around our churches.  He would be out on the streets hanging out with people we don’t usually give much thought to.”  This book gave her a lot to think about and, after reading it, I agree!  One of Miller’s refrains is that Jesus wasn’t political, but so many churches are so adamant about party politics, insinuating that being a good Republican is inseparable with the True Faith.  Christianity transcends politics.  Miller was a youth pastor at a big church and kept repeating platitudes that felt so fake and just plain wrong, but he kept saying them because he thought that was what he was supposed to do (“the Lord bless you” for example) and this bothered him greatly.  He spent a lot of time at Reed College, which is a hotbed for all kinds of alternate lifestyles and behavior and “coming out” as a Christian subjected Miller to a heated crossfire of vitriol.   But he learned to love people at Reed because there was something true and transparent about them.  This was an interesting book, full of the author’s experiences and thoughts, sometimes rambling, but always provocative.   

What About Going Out? (Peel) – A friend asked me to help her teach a Sunday School class for the high school gals at church, using this book.  The subject is dating relationships, and I think it’s very interesting because my friend who is leading the class and I have such different experiences in this area.  She was raised in a lenient, non-Christian home and went out with various guys and had several serious, secular dating experiences.  I was raised in a conservative home where “courtship” was emphasized and I was discouraged from dating until I was ready for marriage.  I went on my first date when I was 22 and got married eight months later.  My friend is very sincere about her desire to encourage young women to avoid the mistakes she made.  I also see some flaws and downsides to courtship principles.  So, I think we balance each other out pretty nicely!  I was a little skeptical when my friend handed me this book because I think a lot of people who write these kinds of books have a tendency to capitalize upon their extra-biblical opinions in this area.  But, I was pleasantly surprised.  I think the authors of this book do a really great job of challenging young people to really look at what the bible says about honoring God in the area of dating and marriage preparation.  I feel like they really articulated the spirit of scripture without being legalistic.  This short book would give any young person (or parent of a young person) some important things to think about in this area and I recommend it! 

The Silver Star (Walls) – I really enjoyed Walls’ other books, The Glass Castle and Half Broke Horses, her memoir and a semi-true book about her grandmother, respectively.  This one was pure fiction.  Walls writes a quickly-paced narrative with sympathetic characters, including children with a troubled mom.  I enjoyed this one, too, though I liked the first two better.  Walls is a great storyteller. 

The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding / The Mystery of the Spanish Chest (Christie) – After years of reading Christmas books to my children, why have I never thought to read a Christmas book that’s just for me?  I am slow to learn, sometimes.  My friend Heather mentioned The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding on her blog.  When I ordered it from the library I saw that it came paired with The Mystery of the Spanish Chest.  I have fond memories reading Hercule Poirot novels during those lazy teenage summers.  The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding was such a fun story, about Poirot joining a family in their English country manor, during the Christmas season, to solve a mystery.  As I read this book, snow was falling softly outside my window and I was completely mesmerized by the scenes Christie created in her book.  It was perfect.  So very festive!  I also enjoyed The Mystery of the Spanish Chest and Poirot’s witticisms.  I love that guy.  I need to read more of Christie in 2014. 

Surprised by Oxford (Weber) – This just might be one of the best books I have ever read.  Where to start?  First, it was set in Oxford, a place that I have been able to visit twice and loved every minute of it.  This book moved me so much.  Some people have a crisis of faith, Weber had a crisis of doubt.  She left her loving, secular family to go to Oxford and pursue a graduate degree.  She was a confident, independent feminist/agnostic, engaged to a really “good man” who was an atheist.  After arriving at Oxford, she met some thoughtful, intelligent Christians who started influencing her.  She started wondering if there was something bigger out there that should have more direct meaning for her (God?).  God pursued her. She wasn’t interested in conversion but couldn’t get away from it.  She thought her life was pretty perfect and secure until she started having doubts about her disbelief and she couldn’t escape it.  She was surprised by Oxford and ended up being surprised by joy.  This memoir is thoughtful, intelligent, funny, beautiful, fun to read, and is brimming full of enchanting and provocative poems and literary references, as Weber was a literature major who enjoys words.  God works in mysterious ways.  Weber made the decision to live the mystery.  This book would challenge anyone who reads it, Christian or secular.  I hated to see this book end and look forward to reading Weber’s second book soon, even though it’s not set in Oxford. 

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The following books are my favorites (books that stuck with me, coupled with the “enjoyable” factor) in order, although there are definitely others I read this year that I would recommend!

Surprised by Oxford (Weber) – Overall best book.

Bittersweet (Niequist) / Cold Tangerines (Niequist) – So enjoyable and so relatable!

Dietrich Bonehoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy (Metaxes) – Convicting and inspiring.

The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding / The Mystery of the Spanish Chest (Christie) – Best Pure Fun

The Paris Wife (MacDuffie) – Best Novel

The Madness of Mary Lincoln (Emerson) – Best History

The Happiness Project (Rubin) – Interesting food for thought.

Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe (Clarkson and Mae) – A shot in the arm for young moms. 

Anne Party

We decided to read Anne of Green Gables at the beginning of the summer and invited some neighbors to join in with us. We had so much fun with an Anne party at the end of summer! There are so many fun ideas that can be taken from the book! Our party involved pick-your-own-fancy-name for the day, liniment cake and raspberry cordial, and a friend who dyed her hair green. Oh, and we watched the movie too. We thought about doing a "Pin the E on the Anne" game but the movie is really long, you know ...

We want to do more of these book/movie parties in the future. So much fun!

 

 

 

 

Grace for Kids and Parents Too

The book Give them Grace startled me.  I was expecting to read a book that might lend some insight into how I could solve some parenting issues, particularly with one child.  She has been really resistant to my instruction lately.  In other words, I wanted some help to mold my child into the good, obedient, kind girl I envisioned she should be.

Instead, I was forced to wrestle with my own heart attitudes and, believe it or not, my theology.  This book compelled a change in my underlying thinking and assumptions about child discipline and what is the most important end result of child rearing in general.  This paradigm shift has affected both my attitude and actions and has trickled down to positively impact my kids.  So, in the end, it has helped my parenting but not how I expected it would!

It seems to me that a lot of bible-based parenting books fall into two camps.  One camp says that you should be super strict with little kids so that they march to the beat of your drum with no questions asked.  This results in an orderly, peaceful home of course, and these kids supposedly will also end up being good, self-governed teenagers someday.  Of course, when you discipline, you should always have a relevant scripture handy so that you can train up your children in God's ways.

The other camp is the "grace" camp, which urges treating children as our Heavenly Father treats us and being ever forgiving and patient with their downfalls, emphasizing building a relationship with them first and foremost.  I have always felt that authors of these books are right in what they say but have often been left at a loss as to how I should practically implement disciplinary strategies.  Seriously, after a child has disobeyed for the 50th time that day, something is not working.  What should I practically do to help this situation?

Finally!  Here is a book that I think is completely biblical in its message but also helpful!

One of the first provocative questions in this book is: How is your parenting distinctly Christian?  In other words, how is it different than that of any other moralistic person?

Am I infusing my kids with the heart of the gospel when I instruct and discipline them or am I simply teaching them moralism? Do my kids think that the bible is primarily a book of rules or, at its heart, a powerful story of redemption?

One of the most convicting chapters, for me, was about how God loves both his Pharisees and sinners.  Some kids are just really good at living by the rules, keeping the rules, and feeling good about the rules.  I have a child like that.  She seems like a model child in most circumstances.  But she needs the gospel too.  She is also a sinner.  And self-righteousness is arguably the worst sin.  I need to remind her of her need for a savior as much as the next child.

My other child who is constantly testing the limits of authority, and seems very selfish in most circumstances, strongly dislikes all rules imposed on her.  She loves to break the rules and, in fact, acts like the spanking is always worth it!  I have noticed, however, that she prays the sweetest prayers at times.  She asks really deep questions about life and God.  In fact, I think she is probably my most spiritually-aware child!  She is the child who knows she is a rule-breaker.  She knows she can't keep the law and needs a savior.  

Another convicting question in the book: Do I use obedience to make my kids think they can earn God's favor?  I have told my kids that God is displeased by disobedience, which is true.  But then I have also told them that God is pleased when they obey (the opposite should be true also, right?).  WRONG.  The bible is clear that all of our righteousness is as "filthy rags."  There is nothing--nothing-- we can do to earn God's favor.  We do "good" only because Christ is working in us and we are learning to trust and obey him more.  God is pleased by our faith in Christ and relationship with Him, not our supposed "goodness."  God wants our faith, and then that will produce fruit in our lives.  He doesn't want our alleged good works.

What have I been teaching my kids?  I have been teaching them that if they are more like my one child who is a good rule-keeper, God is more happy with them.  If they are like my other child who is a rule-breaker, God is displeased.  I have been teaching them moralism and a works-based salvation without even realizing it.  And in the meantime, my child who is more prone to break the rules has become more hopeless and distant from me.  She knows she cannot be like my rule-keeping child, so why should she even try?!

Where was this headed?  I could have unwittingly been the eventual cause of my rule-breaking child completely turning from God because she would be constantly frustrated and end up thinking that clearly Christianity "doesn't work for me."    Maybe that is an overstatement.  But I'm not sure it is.

Here's how I have been handling discipline differently.  I have not be disciplining any less frequently, mind you.  The changes may seem subtle but I believe they are already having an impact on my child-who-loves-to-break-the-rules.

Whenever a child has been disobedient or unkind and needs intervention, I have been taking a lot more time to talk to that child and teach them about redemption first and foremost.  I am trying to point them to the cross a lot more.  Instead of quoting a bible verse and reminding them of their disobedience and then implementing a consequence, I might have a conversation like this: "When you hit your sister, you were not kind.  I know that it is hard to be kind.  None of us can keep God's laws perfectly.  Thankfully, we have Christ who has already done the work for us.  As you learn to trust him more, he will help convict you about being kind and more obedient to his ways. Let's pray and ask God to forgive us and help us be more kind."  Sometimes I say to them, "When you disobey you are acting like what Christ did for you means nothing.  He suffered a huge punishment to pay for your sins.  Even though you cannot keep the law perfectly, you need to trust him more and ask him to help you."  I still do implement consequences (e.g., time out, spankings, or taking away privileges, etc.), but I have been taking a lot more time to have conversations about redemption and hope in Christ.

This change in my methods has been more time-consuming.  I won't lie. But I have seen a difference in my child's attitude.  She is more interested in what I have to say about God and I feel we have a better relationship.  She has come up to me and given me spontaneous hugs lately, which is something she hadn't done for a long time.  And if I'm not willing to invest more time in my children when they really need it, what is the point of me staying home with them to raise them?  The extra time is paying off.

And when I do see fruits of repentance and God's mercy at work in my kids' lives--like when they voluntarily offer to pick up a mess their sister made or they say something kind--I make sure to tell them, "I noticed how kind you were.  That is evidence that God is working in your life and helping you.  I am so pleased about that. God sure does love you a lot."

In the last portion of the book, there are different sections detailing how common problems can be addressed (e.g., lying, disobedience, laziness, etc.).  The author also stresses that different types of parental responses are in order depending on the situation.  She describes these as Management, Nurture, Teaching, Correction, or reminding kids of God's Promises.  I think this is very wise.  Sometimes kids just need to be "Managed" and given a one-liner: "Don't hit your sister," for example.  Parents need to be sensitive to what a child needs in a given situation.  Not all situations call for the same response.

At the end of the day (or at the end of my life), what is more important: That my kids are perfect or that they know they need a savior?

When my kids act up, it's usually either my pride or my inconvenience that makes me mad about it.  But why should I expect anything other than sinful children?  After all, every adult out there is still struggling with sin in their life too.  I am learning to change my expectations.  Yes, I want to see God working in their lives and I want them to make good choices, but I need to give up feeling that I want to control the outcome all the time.

I need to pray more, try to parent the best that I know how, and then leave the rest up to God.

Lastly, one thing about this new parenting approach is that it has brought the gospel to the forefront of my mind repeatedly throughout the day.  Instead of being frustrated my children are not perfect, I am reminded of how much God loves us despite our tendency to sin.  I have become much more mindful of God's love and mercy in my own life.  There are only two verses in the New Testament that pertain to child-rearing, but the bible is flooded with verses of God's redeeming love for his rebellious children.  This is how God wants me to live: ever mindful of his grace.  He is using my kids to accomplish that in my life.

I read Give them Grace hoping to help my kids, and I think it will, but it ended up mostly changing me.

Tiger Mothers

Today, while planting annuals, up to my elbows in dirt (which I find a very cathartic activity), I finished reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother via audio book, read by the author. I enjoy when books are read by the author because I think they take on their truest intonation.

In the past several months I have found myself casually mentioning the phrase "tiger mother" and even describing some people as being such. In fact, some people may think I am a tiger mother of sorts. I know my husband probably thinks I am a tiger mother. Since I have been using this phrase I figured I had better read the book so I know what I am talking about.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is about the clash of Chinese and Western cultures, particularly as it manifests itself in parenting styles. It is one of the more interesting books that I have ever read. I found myself completely absorbed in what the author was saying.

I think that somewhere, way back in my family line, I must have some Chinese blood in me. Although what the author described was completely obsessive and totally nuts at times, at the end of the book, I respected her. She wanted what was best for her children. She cared deeply about their future and wanted to equip them with tools to make them accomplished, successful, and confident. Who can fault her for that?

One thing that impressed me was the humility and authenticity of the author. She didn't gloss over things and she was brutally honest, even when the scenarios she described were utterly unflattering to herself. I think it takes a lot of steel nerves and courage to write about yourself like that.

The author was an insane lady at times, trying desperately to instill Chinese values in her children, forcing them to practice their instruments for hours even when on vacation. She constantly fought against the encroachment of Western values into their lives, although, ironically, she married a Westerner and she chose to live in a Western society.

She often had painful shouting matches with her second-born daughter, while forcing her to practice her violin. She noted that strict Western parents might make their kids practice for 30 minutes or an hour at the most but, to the Chinese, the first hour is the easy part.

While I think that the author was rather extreme and I can't imagine having the same arguments with my kids, and hope it would never come to me threatening to burn their stuffed animals if they didn't practice violin--a real example cited in the book--I think there are good points that the author, Amy Chua, highlights. While I want my children to have beautiful memories of their childhood and lots of unstructured time, and can't imagine forcing them to practice an instrument for several hours every day while on vacation, I could clearly see that Chua simply wanted her children to excel and to reach their potential. You can't completely fault her for that. In fact, I think that those traits are highly admirable, when proper balance is given consideration.

Chua points out that Western parents lavish their children with compliments for accomplishing the most mediocre tasks. Western parents encourage their children to pursue their passions. But where does that lead? Often it leads to 10-hours a day on Facebook.

Chinese parents want to give their children skills to be successful and help them learn to be disciplined and excel at their work so that they can feel accomplished for legitimate reasons.

At the end of the book, the author describes a breaking-point for her, which I won't spoil in this review. Also, at the end, both of her daughters, including the rebellious second-born, mentioned that they were grateful their mother had forced them to practice their instruments and spend two-hours each day learning Mandarin and drilling their other subjects. They were confident and accomplished young adults that any parent would be proud of.

Interestingly, the Chinese have a much higher level of respect for their parents and feel a duty to take care of them when they are old. Westerners, by contrast, often resent and criticize their parents.

Maybe the Chinese have some wisdom here. Even more so, maybe there is truth to be discovered in balancing the wisdom of both cultures.

This book gave me a lot to think about.

Connecting with Picture Books

There have been a few sweet books (and one funny book) that has helped me to connect with my kids in the past few months. Books are fun. Books are informative. But one of the best things about reading books to kids is that it provides opportunities to connect with them.

After reading You’re All My Favorites (McBratney) to Clara, I think it really helped her understand the truth of a parent loving all their children the same, even though they are all different. She really loved this book and has commented on it numerous times.

Harriet You’ll Drive Me Wild (Fox) made us all smile. Harriet is just one of those kids who makes lots of messes and gets into trouble. Harriet’s mom is one of those moms who is having a hard time dealing with it. This is a sweet story of a mom and daughter who love each other despite their flaws.

How to Clean Your Room in 10 Easy Steps (Huget) is simply the funniest book ever. It totally describes our life! Although it is absolutely hysterical and very true to life, there are a few parts where the young girl is not very respectful. Just a caveat! But we really do love this book.

You are Special (Lucado) is a very touching book that really highlights the truth of self-acceptance. This book helped the kids understand that we are made in God’s image and we should not compare ourselves with other people. God loves us just as we are.

Nothing to Do (Wood) is a wonderful book about making sure to have unstructured time in our lives. The illustrations are great and I think the topic is something that is important because we adults have a tendency to fill up all the hours and not stop to smell the roses. But this is so important. Life goes by too fast. We need to stop and take time to “do nothing.”

Pride and Prejudice

Tonight I met with my classics book club to discuss Pride and Prejudice.  (I love having an excuse to ignore dishes sitting in the sink and read all afternoon, which is what I did two days in a row in order to get this book done!)  This was a familiar story as I had read the book previously and had watched every movie based on this book at least twice. The appeal of this story is that its characters, tension, wit and humor never grow old. 

I instantly sympathized with Elizabeth who is a lively and intelligent, yet flawed soul.  While Elizabeth's mother wants to see all of her daughters married to wealthy men, Elizabeth is more interested in living authentically.  She loves people for who they are, not for what their status in life is.  She wants happiness for herself and her sister Jane.  She wants to be judged on her own merits, and not based on her embarrassing family members or her social status and wealth, or lack thereof.  

There are many obstacles standing in her way--her family, the social customs and mores of society, and her own prejudices and quick-to-judge temperament.  Elizabeth remains true to herself and, in the end, gets the man of course.  

Honestly, I think that if all of the people in Pride and Prejudice had been gainfully employed, not even half of the drama would have happened.  That's what you get when you sit around all day and stew over things and have time to write all those long letters.  

We talked about whether Charlotte Lucas was right to marry Mr. Collins, whether Mr. Bennett was a good husband/father, whether people change over time or essentially remain as they always were, and whether it is acceptable to intervene and tell a friend when you think they are making a big mistake romantically.  We also talked about the reaction of the family (and society) to Lydia running off with Wickham and whether we would want our daughter marrying such a man if we were in that situation (personally, I would say NO!). All in all, it was a good discussion.  

One complaint I have is that the book ends too happily to be realistic.  Perhaps Austen made all her books end with such perfection and happiness so that she could live vicariously through her heroines, as there was no fairytale ending in her own life.  

So far we have read Don Quixote, Pilgrim's Progress, Gulliver's Travels, and now Pride and Prejudice.  Oliver Twist is next.  After that only 26 books to go before we are done with the novels' genre in Bauer's book!  By the time my kids are in high school, maybe I will feel that I have a handle on classic literature!  My fingers are crossed.  

Self Education

If I have been semi-silent on Blogger lately, it's because I have been spending every spare moment reading Don Quixote! A friend recently asked me to join her and another friend in reading and discussing the classics, using Bauer's The Well Educated Mind as our guide. I was thrilled to be a part of this because there are so many classics that I still haven't read and it's going to be so much more fun doing it with friends!

I especially appreciate Bauer's approach to the classics, reading chronologically within each genre. She lists five genre's in her book: novels, autobiography and memoir, history, drama, and poetry. She writes about how to approach the great books, and has an introduction to approaching each genre specifically.

We met this last week to discuss Don Quixote, which is considered the first novel (the first work of fiction about the individual). We spent probably an hour and a half talking just about the book, and then some more time just chit-chatting. I am really excited about this endeavor!

Reading Don Quixote (picture by Meredith):

 

Fiction

Today I have been thinking a lot about fiction.  I know of several people who have told me that they think reading fiction is a waste of time for them personally when there are so many Christian self-help type books they could be reading to improve their lives.  While I can understand and appreciate the desire to grow spiritually by reading good, non-fiction books, I also think that reading good fiction has made my life fuller, has made me think deeply, and has enhanced my understanding of the world and my enjoyment and quality of life overall. I am a huge proponent of reading good quality fiction. 

Several years ago I read a non-fiction book that challenged my way of thinking about the value of fiction in everyday life. The book was "Reading Lolita in Tehran" (Nafisi). The author spoke of what it was like living in Iran under Taliban rule where artistic expression of all kinds was banned, including the freedom to read Western literature. Nafisi spoke of how this form of tyranny was the kind that did not kill the body, but killed the spirit, which in many ways was even more cruel and sadistic. 

Good fiction feeds my soul. Good fiction adds beauty of language to my life. Curling up with a good book and getting lost in beautiful word pictures is akin to going to the art museum and gazing deeply into a masterpiece and losing yourself in the beauty of the painting. 

Fiction is powerful and transformative. Fiction is often the best method of highlighting truth and relaying a moral lesson.

Good fiction is invaluable to me. Life would be drab and dreary without art, including beautiful and masterful literature.