Behind on everything. Trying to keep my head above water. And then …
A dose of reality.
My life is going to be so much more hectic come August. I just finished reading a book about having a second child. At the end of the book are all these testimonials of women who explain—with no holds barred—how much more difficult it is with a toddler and a newborn and how tired they were all the time after the birth of their second child. I almost wish I hadn’t read it. Ignorance is bliss, right?
And, here’s the worst part. All the women in these testimonials were SAHMs who don’t have a side job (like me) and a husband who is absent evenings and weekends with school and study, in addition to work (like me). If they could barely survive those first months, what are my prospects?
If I’m already feeling behind with just one kid, how am I ever going to do it with two? “What were we thinking?” I asked Kevin last night, only half joking.
Not to mention that the book also mentions that, statistically, the most difficult year in a marriage is the year following the birth of a second child. [Pause for further dark meditations.]
I really don’t want my fears to get in the way of me fully enjoying the welcoming of my second child into this world and relishing every moment of her precious babyhood.
I know it’s only a temporary time. It’s only one more year and then life will become less complicated as far as our family schedule is concerned. But can I survive this coming year? Is there any hope that I can be a good parent and make good memories with my kids in the midst of the sheer chaos?
(Yes, I know … God’s grace.)
Speaking of which [making memories with your kids] … today’s MOPS topic was on having fun with your kids. I’ll write more about that later …
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
15 comments:
Amy, after our second was born, I'll admit, it wasn't easy. Just last night I was recalling how that was one of the most stressful times of my life. BUT...it wasn't for a whole year. It seems to me like the stress was actually about 3 months long. I think it is good that you're planning now. If I had it to do over again, I would just plan on having about 3 to 4 months of letting all the rules go. If you haven't got the potty training down before the baby comes - drop it for several months! (I made this mistake...) Plan while you can, and then just relax. Take comfort that it won't always be so stressful, and be glad that you're near family. When you need help, ask for it! Meredith would probably like time with Grandma! I wish we were closer to give you a hand. And one more thing, #3 was somehow easier...
Never have too much pride to accept help. Take all the meals, offers of cleaning and babysitting you get. It is a rough time but watching your two children together will make it all worthwhile. You might investigate and see if you can hire a mother's helper from a local homeschooling group for the first few months. It will make you feel better about the needs of your first child being met while you are very focused on the second one. -rlr
Yeah, but the women in those books weren't YOU. hahaha. You'll be fine. Drop M over with us, if you don't fear for her life with Sol around.
Awww, Amy. I feel for you. :-) One of my dear friends has two that are 16 mo. apart, and while she said it was tough, she was still able to keep her part-time teaching job at the College in town (two mornings a week) and her husband has long hours (works 45 minutes away and is in school for his Masters). It CAN be done, and knowing you, you'll do marvelously at it. :-)
RLR made the same suggestion I was going to: find a mother's helper and/or a babysitter. You won't be able to keep up with the housework, and with Kevin gone you'll want someone else to be on kid-duty while you work or take a break.
Remember that reading about an experience isn't the same as going through it yourself. It's easy to communicate the frustrations and labor involved. It's not as easy to describe the fun of two children, the joy of watching them have fun, the excitement of seeing another new life blossom.
It's not an easy time, but attitude and perspective go a long way toward lightening your burden. (I learned this the hard way.) When it gets really intense, just remind yourself, "This too shall pass." It does, and you look back and see that it's worth it.
-- SJ
Hi Amy, I guess I can speak from the trenches at this point. My girls are currently 19 months and 3 1/2 months old. The last months have been wonderful and crazy all at the same time. I've found that somehow God has breathed into me more organization and patience since Lanae's birth that I never had before. The house stays cleaner (even than when I didn't have kids!), we've implemented a new budget which requires SO much more prep time in meal planning, etc, from me, and I've launched a new business. And, no, I don't feel all that together a lot of the time. Just Tuesday in a moment of despair, I told my husband I thought that he and the girls would be better off without me messing life up. Oh, those postpartum hormones! I can actually say, though, that for me being pregnant and having a toddler was harder than having 2 children.
The hardest thing for me is that I am more isolated now that I have 2 little ones. If I could relive the last months, I would make sure to focus on setting up planned times to be with friends. As far as our marriage, the hardest thing has been balancing the fact that I need time with adult conversation and my husband is tired after a long day at work.
On a practical note - I have found that putting the baby in a pack and then doing housework has made a huge difference in my life! Alyssa follows and Lanae is much happier for a longer period than in her bouncy seat. :-)
Don't worry! God knows all the things coming up! You'll do great!
Terri
Yes, having two will be difficult. I particularly know of your anxiousness with having Kevin in school, I look back to the first six months after Tom was born and wonder how in the world we managed, but we did. Even now, I try to take a day at a time and not worry about the big, intimidating fact that I'm a mother of three and of all the things I have to do every day, week, and year or of all things I can't do(like sleep until 10, have some alone time, or actually accomplish everything I need to do in one day). I'll wager you'll be surprised how adaptable you are, how well you adjust to motherhood x2. As far as marriage realtionship goes you'll just have to make time for together time, T and I have found it invaluable (we'd be happy to babysit). And like others have said, accept any kind of help when it is offered, something that saved my sanity this time around. Most of all, just don't worry, sure there will be moments of complete insanity and it seems impossible now, but grace is always given, especially in the moment. And it's beautiful to come out on the other side, to have two wonderful children that you couldn't imagine life without.
It does get harder with two, but like someone else said, the really tough part doesn't last for a whole year. One thing that helped us tremendously was having a huge supply of frozen casseroles in the freezer for days when I was just too tired to cook (we bought a big freezer just for that). It was great!! My sisters came over to help me make them. We are planning on stocking up our freezer again soon so that we can enjoy the same thing after this baby is born.
As far as marriage goes, I don't think our relationship changed after baby #2, though we did both become more tired. Dates become all the more crucial!
It all becomes worth it to me when I see how much fun Michael and Bethany have with each other! It is so sweet to watch!
~Katie Johnson
LOVE the new look/feel.
Amy, ((hug)) you will make it :) It was a really difficult transition for me having two kids instead of one and I looked at my friends who had two in wonder and amazement. I was really hard for those first few months but luckily newborns sleep ALOT and even though my house was a total mess for a long time we did make it! Before we had Dowen I didn't even really think that it would be difficult going from one child to two and that was probably part of my problem. Preparing yourself beforehand that it is a lot of work will hopefully make it easier (or at least not unexpected). I'm a bit aprehensive about having three children but I know we will make it through :)
Amy, you'll do just fine. You are high energy and you'll have two girls AND you have family nearby to help - this will be a breeze! If you feel maxed out you just lower your standards in some other area. So the toilets don't get scrubbed every week. Happy mom + happy kids are more important, right? =)
New blog look! I like very much. But - where are all the links?? You were my grand central station!!!
Thank you everyone for your encouraging comments. I really appreciate the advice, too, from moms who have gone before me. :) At the end of the day I know God gives grace and I wouldn't trade this child in for any other life. Also, I expect the eternal optimist in me to kick in sometime and I'll make it through!
Rose--If you want to e-mail me for the links you want, that would be good. I probably won't end up putting them all back on the site. I saved them all to a favorites folder. Sorry for the inconvenience. :-/
amyjkoons at gmail dot com
I knooow. Wow. I'll have to return to being my own grand central station! I was leaving it up to you, Amy!
I'll be e-mailing....
Why I don't read books on my "place in life..." Why ask to be afraid? Maybe having two is what teaches us to take life a minute a time!
Yeah, Amy, you were my Grand Central Station too! I had to make my own links page!
Post a Comment