Grace for Kids and Parents Too

The book Give them Grace startled me.  I was expecting to read a book that might lend some insight into how I could solve some parenting issues, particularly with one child.  She has been really resistant to my instruction lately.  In other words, I wanted some help to mold my child into the good, obedient, kind girl I envisioned she should be.

Instead, I was forced to wrestle with my own heart attitudes and, believe it or not, my theology.  This book compelled a change in my underlying thinking and assumptions about child discipline and what is the most important end result of child rearing in general.  This paradigm shift has affected both my attitude and actions and has trickled down to positively impact my kids.  So, in the end, it has helped my parenting but not how I expected it would!

It seems to me that a lot of bible-based parenting books fall into two camps.  One camp says that you should be super strict with little kids so that they march to the beat of your drum with no questions asked.  This results in an orderly, peaceful home of course, and these kids supposedly will also end up being good, self-governed teenagers someday.  Of course, when you discipline, you should always have a relevant scripture handy so that you can train up your children in God's ways.

The other camp is the "grace" camp, which urges treating children as our Heavenly Father treats us and being ever forgiving and patient with their downfalls, emphasizing building a relationship with them first and foremost.  I have always felt that authors of these books are right in what they say but have often been left at a loss as to how I should practically implement disciplinary strategies.  Seriously, after a child has disobeyed for the 50th time that day, something is not working.  What should I practically do to help this situation?

Finally!  Here is a book that I think is completely biblical in its message but also helpful!

One of the first provocative questions in this book is: How is your parenting distinctly Christian?  In other words, how is it different than that of any other moralistic person?

Am I infusing my kids with the heart of the gospel when I instruct and discipline them or am I simply teaching them moralism? Do my kids think that the bible is primarily a book of rules or, at its heart, a powerful story of redemption?

One of the most convicting chapters, for me, was about how God loves both his Pharisees and sinners.  Some kids are just really good at living by the rules, keeping the rules, and feeling good about the rules.  I have a child like that.  She seems like a model child in most circumstances.  But she needs the gospel too.  She is also a sinner.  And self-righteousness is arguably the worst sin.  I need to remind her of her need for a savior as much as the next child.

My other child who is constantly testing the limits of authority, and seems very selfish in most circumstances, strongly dislikes all rules imposed on her.  She loves to break the rules and, in fact, acts like the spanking is always worth it!  I have noticed, however, that she prays the sweetest prayers at times.  She asks really deep questions about life and God.  In fact, I think she is probably my most spiritually-aware child!  She is the child who knows she is a rule-breaker.  She knows she can't keep the law and needs a savior.  

Another convicting question in the book: Do I use obedience to make my kids think they can earn God's favor?  I have told my kids that God is displeased by disobedience, which is true.  But then I have also told them that God is pleased when they obey (the opposite should be true also, right?).  WRONG.  The bible is clear that all of our righteousness is as "filthy rags."  There is nothing--nothing-- we can do to earn God's favor.  We do "good" only because Christ is working in us and we are learning to trust and obey him more.  God is pleased by our faith in Christ and relationship with Him, not our supposed "goodness."  God wants our faith, and then that will produce fruit in our lives.  He doesn't want our alleged good works.

What have I been teaching my kids?  I have been teaching them that if they are more like my one child who is a good rule-keeper, God is more happy with them.  If they are like my other child who is a rule-breaker, God is displeased.  I have been teaching them moralism and a works-based salvation without even realizing it.  And in the meantime, my child who is more prone to break the rules has become more hopeless and distant from me.  She knows she cannot be like my rule-keeping child, so why should she even try?!

Where was this headed?  I could have unwittingly been the eventual cause of my rule-breaking child completely turning from God because she would be constantly frustrated and end up thinking that clearly Christianity "doesn't work for me."    Maybe that is an overstatement.  But I'm not sure it is.

Here's how I have been handling discipline differently.  I have not be disciplining any less frequently, mind you.  The changes may seem subtle but I believe they are already having an impact on my child-who-loves-to-break-the-rules.

Whenever a child has been disobedient or unkind and needs intervention, I have been taking a lot more time to talk to that child and teach them about redemption first and foremost.  I am trying to point them to the cross a lot more.  Instead of quoting a bible verse and reminding them of their disobedience and then implementing a consequence, I might have a conversation like this: "When you hit your sister, you were not kind.  I know that it is hard to be kind.  None of us can keep God's laws perfectly.  Thankfully, we have Christ who has already done the work for us.  As you learn to trust him more, he will help convict you about being kind and more obedient to his ways. Let's pray and ask God to forgive us and help us be more kind."  Sometimes I say to them, "When you disobey you are acting like what Christ did for you means nothing.  He suffered a huge punishment to pay for your sins.  Even though you cannot keep the law perfectly, you need to trust him more and ask him to help you."  I still do implement consequences (e.g., time out, spankings, or taking away privileges, etc.), but I have been taking a lot more time to have conversations about redemption and hope in Christ.

This change in my methods has been more time-consuming.  I won't lie. But I have seen a difference in my child's attitude.  She is more interested in what I have to say about God and I feel we have a better relationship.  She has come up to me and given me spontaneous hugs lately, which is something she hadn't done for a long time.  And if I'm not willing to invest more time in my children when they really need it, what is the point of me staying home with them to raise them?  The extra time is paying off.

And when I do see fruits of repentance and God's mercy at work in my kids' lives--like when they voluntarily offer to pick up a mess their sister made or they say something kind--I make sure to tell them, "I noticed how kind you were.  That is evidence that God is working in your life and helping you.  I am so pleased about that. God sure does love you a lot."

In the last portion of the book, there are different sections detailing how common problems can be addressed (e.g., lying, disobedience, laziness, etc.).  The author also stresses that different types of parental responses are in order depending on the situation.  She describes these as Management, Nurture, Teaching, Correction, or reminding kids of God's Promises.  I think this is very wise.  Sometimes kids just need to be "Managed" and given a one-liner: "Don't hit your sister," for example.  Parents need to be sensitive to what a child needs in a given situation.  Not all situations call for the same response.

At the end of the day (or at the end of my life), what is more important: That my kids are perfect or that they know they need a savior?

When my kids act up, it's usually either my pride or my inconvenience that makes me mad about it.  But why should I expect anything other than sinful children?  After all, every adult out there is still struggling with sin in their life too.  I am learning to change my expectations.  Yes, I want to see God working in their lives and I want them to make good choices, but I need to give up feeling that I want to control the outcome all the time.

I need to pray more, try to parent the best that I know how, and then leave the rest up to God.

Lastly, one thing about this new parenting approach is that it has brought the gospel to the forefront of my mind repeatedly throughout the day.  Instead of being frustrated my children are not perfect, I am reminded of how much God loves us despite our tendency to sin.  I have become much more mindful of God's love and mercy in my own life.  There are only two verses in the New Testament that pertain to child-rearing, but the bible is flooded with verses of God's redeeming love for his rebellious children.  This is how God wants me to live: ever mindful of his grace.  He is using my kids to accomplish that in my life.

I read Give them Grace hoping to help my kids, and I think it will, but it ended up mostly changing me.

Retreat, Changes Ahead, and Parenting Desperation

Silence.  Sitting with my thoughts.  Loosening of constraints.  Unhurried prayer.  Sleeping until the sun wakens me.  Is this a dream or what?

Last January I attended a talk where a woman shared how important it is to get away and have time to think and reflect.  At the the time, I didn't imagine that this could happen for me, thinking of a flood of excuses.  But then an opportunity dropped in my lap.  The price was right, the location amazing, and the husband agreed!  So, this last weekend I have been hanging out at a huge victorian mansion on a lake in northern Indiana, with my own bedroom and bathroom, lots of free time, beautiful weather, and encouraging ladies to share it with.  There has been some card-playing, a little bit of Olympics-viewing, and a bonfire.  But mostly just time on my own, to take walks, sit on the dock, read, and think.

I feel so blessed to have been able to escape all of the responsibilities that I have on a day-to-day basis.  The timing of this retreat couldn't have been better.  This pregnancy has left me too tired to be able to get up before the kids and have my own unfettered, quiet time every day.  I have really missed that time to sit and think and plan.  Some of us need it more than others.  I'm in that "Need It A Lot" camp right now!  This retreat has left me feeling very grateful.  I feel restored.

Here's hoping that the fall with be smooth, the newborn will be compliant (ha ha!), and the recharging I have experienced this weekend will carry me for a long time.

_________

May was medical-recovery-month, June was unexpected-job-opportunity (for Kevin) / soul-searching-month (wherein we discovered that it's not a bad thing to realize you like where you're at!), and July has been birthday-month.  With everything going on, the summer seems to have flown by so fast.

We will start school a little later this year, after Labor Day.  I am relieved that I still have the month of August to play in the pool with the kids and complete some projects at home.

This year we are doing something new.  Meredith will attend the Highlands Latin School three days a week.  Next year, if we decide to continue using HLS, she will be able to attend either two days or three days depending on the classes we want her to take.  This spring I really hit a wall and came to the realization that I need more help.  We decided to take advantage of this awesome school, based in Louisville, that opened a campus in a neighboring city.

A man plans his way, but God directs his steps.   I thought I would continue homeschooling full time.  But, when at the end of my rope, this opportunity opened up.  I think Meredith will benefit from attending HLS.  She will be doing her work at home two days and I will still be very involved in that, but I won't have the pressure to "do it all" with her academically.  There are pros and cons to everything, but this opportunity is a huge relief to me right now.

I am also very excited to be able to spend more one-on-one time with Clara, who simply needs more of my attention right now.  We will do kindergarten together at home.  I envision lots of read-alouds, cuddle time, and baking projects.

_________

If you were a fly on my bedroom wall, you would notice that there are four parenting books on my nightstand right now.  You would probably also surmise that I am someone who is desperate for some wisdom on how to handle some issues I'm having with child-rearing.  Four books on parenting.  Obvious conclusion, right?

I have finished two of these books and am in the middle of the third one.  These books have given me much to think about. The one I am reading right now is, hands down, the best parenting book I have ever read.  Ever.  In fact, I am going to start telling people that it is the only parenting book they need to read.    It has already made a difference in how I handle instruction and discipline and, more importantly, it has made a difference in my heart and my attitude, which is quickly affecting how one particular child (the one who has brought me to my knees), is responding.

Most of my review of this book is already written, but I want to actually finish it before I post it.  I will let you know my conclusions and why I feel this book is so powerful, so biblical, and what I have done wrong up to this point. You will hear back from me.  Soon.

  

Letting-Our-Hair-Down Birthday

Clara was counting down the days, starting about a year ago, until she could have her first friends party. And we sure did have a lot of fun planning this party.

Apparently there are a lot of little girls out there who love Rapunzel and the movie Tangled, so there are a ton of ideas floating around the internet.

It's hard for me to believe that my sweet, second-born daughter is already five! Clara is perky, larger-than-life, enthusiastic about having fun times, compassionate and nurturing, and gives the best hugs. Clara, you are a special girl and your momma loves you!!

Here are the invitations we made. Simple and super cute.

 

 

 

 

This doughnut tower was a combination of several ideas I saw online. It was so easy. And we felt like we were playing "cake boss" when Kevin went to Lowe's to get a PVC pipe and some "feet" or whatever you call them to put together a structure to hold the doughnuts. I made the rice krispie treat portion of the tower (holding Rapunzel) by pushing the cereal concoction into my French press. :) Whahla! Easiest cake ever and it didn't even require me to turn the oven on. Plus, let's be honest, doughnuts taste waaaaayyy better.

 

On the morning of the party, I sent Kevin to get doughnuts from our favorite local bakery. The problem was that they were too fresh and airy (which makes them so wonderful) and didn't support all the weight. So I saw my tower slowly decompressing and sinking. I quickly called Kevin, who was running another errand, and asked him to go to the grocery store and buy the grossest, most stale, packaged cake doughnuts he could find. They worked wonderfully! Needless to say, we ate the GOOD doughnuts and left the other as a mere decoration.

 

Here is Clara Bear with her dearest friend in the world, Eden Swan. These two, together, are hysterical. If you ever want to have interesting and funny conversations, you need to get these two together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Golden Birthday

Somehow Meredith figured out what a "golden birthday" is and that she was going to have one. She kept reminding us that she would be seven on July 7th, and this was the only golden birthday she would ever have, in her entire life. I love this little girl. She is so passionate, creative, generous, friendly, and loves the outdoors. Most recently she has pulled out two of her own teeth, that weren't even all too loose, because she was tired of dealing with it. (You are a brave, wonderful girl, Meredith! Life is so much better with you in it.)

Meredith asked if I would take her to a "real salon" to get her nails done as a birthday present. I did not complain!

 

 

We had a Hawaiian Luau party, complete with grass skirts and leis from the dollar store. In the second picture below, the girls are learning to do the hula. I found some kid-friendly DVD with instructions on how to hula. Even the grownup dads got involved in learning how to hula. It was a hoot!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is Meredith with a magic kit, a gift from her grandparents. She had been asking for one for at least six months.

We love you Meredith and hope your one and only golden birthday was special!

"Hi!"

Hello, my parents have no idea what my name will be, especially if I am a boy.  I am due to arrive sometime around December 16.  My mom always said she would never have a Christmas baby, but I am going to get the last laugh.  This picture of me was taken about a week ago, so I'm sure I look even better now.  My head probably looks even less like an alien now.  I am happy to make my appearance on this blog and I look forward to being photographed for you again, at a future date.  With regards, Koons Kid #4

The Visit

Life is more fun with family to share it with!  We enjoyed having my family visit from California.

Memorial Day was complete with homemade decorations designed and implemented by Meredith.

Sophia is at such a cute age.  She is speaking whole sentences now, pontificating on every subject that occurs to her, and we love it!

Reading time with grandparents!

On the final day of their visit, we took my family to our favorite doughnut place on Main Street.

 

 

Lemonade Day

This year we decided to participate in Lemonade Day, a nationwide program to teach business skills to kids.  I knew I would need other adult help, and it would be more fun to have friends alongside us, so I asked a few neighbors to join in the fun!  The kickoff event involved workshops for the kids on topics like marketing, developing a recipe, giving a sales pitch, making a business profitable, etc.  

Our kids were on the young end to be participating in this project.  My main objective was to get Meredith to learn basic things like profit margin and to also understand that it takes a lot of work to run a successful business. 

Meredith had asked me about doing a lemonade stand a lot of times so I knew this would be something she would really enjoy and take ownership of.  There were worksheets for the kids to fill out.  She spent hours reading the workbook on her own and filling out the answers in her own words.  One of the first pages asked why the child wants to start a business.  She said, "To make me and other people happy."  Later the workbook asked what she would do with her earnings.  She read it wrong and thought it said "earrings" so she wrote: "Wear them."  Ha!

After hours of preparation the kids open their lemonade stand. Their business was called "Lightning Lemonade" -- "Zap your thirst!" 

One of our main contributions was making giant sugar cookies.  Here is Clara, just one of the little siblings eager to help!

When business was slow, the kids stood by the curb to drum up more customers!

To be honest, this year the stand was barely profitable.  But I do think the kids learned some lessons and they got a good introduction to running a business.  Hopefully each year we can do better and learn more!  I definitely would like the kids to participate again.  I think it would be wonderful if they could learn to be entrepreneurs and create jobs for themselves and others.  

Shorts

Tell me if this has ever happened to you.  You are sitting on the couch reading Little Critter books to your children when you suddenly hear water gushing in your basement.  At first you are in denial and then you rush downstairs to see that, yes, it really is true.  All of this comes at a very bad time.  Your husband is still in bed recovering from a difficult surgery.  You are exhausted.  You are not sure whether you should sit down and cry or tell your children to get on their bathing suits and have some fun.  

We got four buckets to catch the water.  The kids thought it was great.  I called the plumber.  He came within the hour and told us it was a problem with the dishwasher, not the plumbing.  His rationale didn't make sense.  Since there was no way that Kevin could get on his hands and knees to investigate, Father-in-Law came to the rescue.  He found that a paintbrush had gotten caught in the trap underneath the sink and was causing water to back up and and flood the dishwasher and leak through to the basement.

Note: Do not ever call plumber "Rick" again.
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May 2012 will go down in infamy.  If a rough surgery and plumbing issues weren't enough, we also got sued.  The day I got served summons, my first thought was: "How appropriate.  This is already the worst week of my life.  Why not get sued, too?  Awesome."

Fortunately, my husband spends all day, every day, defending lawsuits.  He said, "Do not worry."  Also, fortunately, our auto insurance company hired a really awesome trial attorney to defend us.  Our attorney was incredulous at how little property damage there was as a result of the auto accident that prompted the lawsuit ($185), and how much medical damages the plaintiffs are alleging ($475,000).

Life is never dull.
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Recently I decided the two older girls needed new electric toothbrushes. As soon as I saw the packs of toothbrushes, I knew there would be a problem.  No, actually, there would be a near-war.  There was only one girly-colored toothbrush in each pack.  Do the toothbrush manufacturers really think that all families have one boy and one girl?  What about the two-girl families?  I bought the packet that had one pink toothbrush and one green toothbrush, and I braced myself for a battle when I got home.

I put the toothbrushes in a paper bag and told the girls that they had to close their eyes and pick a toothbrush from the bag.  "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit," as Clara's teacher Mrs. Hicks would say.

Despite the prepping and the speeches I gave them about being content with whatever color they got, World War III did in fact nearly break out.  Thankfully Kevin was home to help with the aftermath.

These little things really matter when you are four and six years old.
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My parents and two younger siblings are in town and it has been wonderful to have them here.  We have enjoyed the visit and the extra sets of hands to help!  I have even slept in a few mornings.  Yay!

In the midst of this crazy time, we also had another distraction.  We participated in Lemonade Day, which is a program to teach business skills to kids. We had a lemonade stand last weekend and it was fun.  Although, since the kids participating were all under the age of eight, it was a lot of work for the moms too.

I plan to write another post about this sometime soon.  It really was a great learning experience for Meredith.

Our major contribution to the lemonade stand was making all the cookies.  I had some of the kids come over to our house to help make the dough.  Two of the kids were four and the other two were six and seven.  The four-year-olds started playing "sandbox" with the flour at one point.  They each wanted to have a turn cracking eggs into the bowl.  Sophia, age 2, was also along for the fun.  She kept trying to lick the sugar off the counter and begging to help with every step.  We tripled the recipe, twice.  So, we ended up with 58 giant sugar cookies.  I think I deserve a medal for having survived this experience.

Sometimes I think I do everything the hard way!
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Did I say that May 2012 will go down in infamy?  There is another reason. I have been very fatigued and nauseated with morning sickness this entire month.  Yes, we are expecting #4.  Someday I will be very happy about this fact.  Right now I am still trying to survive!

Midnight in Peking

Midnight in Peking is set in eerie, superstitious 1937 Peking.  In the opening pages, as Japanese forces are prepared to invade the city, the body of an Englishwoman is discovered, brutally murdered.  It didn't take long for me to get hooked and want to know more.  This true-life book was a page turner, with lots of plot twists and surprising discoveries along the way.

After the body of 20-year-old Pamela Werner is discovered, we learn that there are conflicting authorities involved.  Both the Chinese police and the English police, who have jurisdiction over the foreign quarter of the city, will be conducting investigations.  The foreign investigator, DCI Dennis, tries to piece together what happened on the night Pamela was murdered but comes across numerous roadblocks and is told that he may not conduct a search of the foreign quarter of Peking.  He is also told he may not have further contact with key people, including Pamela's father.

There are numerous complicated and suspicious characters involved.  It is clear that there is some kind of coverup going on.  But why?  And by whom?

As war gets closer and the political backdrop in China changes, DCI Dennis is forced to drop the investigation and Pamela's case is closed and considered to be unresolved.

After the official investigation is concluded, Pamela's father, desperate to find her killer, begins his own private investigation into her murder.  She was his only child and he is determined to spend every last cent of his fortune, if necessary, to bring her killer(s) to justice.  His private investigators follow obvious trails that had not been explored by the police.  They uncover inconsistencies and lies that help piece together what actually happened on the night of Pamela's murder.

The author, Paul French, reconstructs the events of what really happened to Pamela, based on her father's private investigation.  More than 70 years after her death, the truth finally is finally revealed. Pamela's case finally gets the closing argument it never had.   

The author also goes on to detail what happened to the other main characters in the book.  Each of their stories is interesting, especially in light of the time period they lived in.

One of the things I enjoyed most about Midnight in Peking was learning more about the history of that era in China.  I could put myself in the shoes of the foreigners who lived there and relive their experiences.  U.S. dollars stretched far in 1937 Peking and many foreigners lived opulent lifestyles.  In the end, those who did not flee occupied China were sent to Japanese internment camps in Southern China to endure hardships there.

This book was truly fascinating.  I would recommend it.  Pamela's body is now buried deep under modern Beijing.  But her tragic story of injustice will not be forgotten, thanks to Midnight in Peking.

Here is a link to an interview with author Paul French, who walks viewers through some of the places mentioned in the book. 


Caveat: there are some gruesome details about the mutilated body of the victim, if you are sensitive about those kinds of things.

Note: I was given a copy of this book by the publisher in exchange for a review.

Butterfly Wonder

Some of you may remember we ordered caterpillars two years ago, to watch their amazing metamorphosis in our own home.  It is totally worth doing.  The girls were enthralled and loved the anticipation of it all.

When the caterpillars first arrive, they are teeny tiny.

After a week or so, the caterpillars are HUGE.

Soon, they crawl up to the top of their container to prepare for their next phase.  You can see that the first chrysalis has already formed on the right side.

After all the cocoons are complete, we take the paper off the lid of the container and pin it to the side of a mesh cage. Here, the butterflies have all hatched.  An exciting day!  (The red stuff is meconium, not blood.)

We drop sugar water on oranges to feed them every day.

The girls wanted to wait until their Aunt Melissa came from California to release the butterflies.  Apparently, they only live for two weeks.  So, they had to spend half their lives in a stuffy cage, instead of being wild and free outside.  Poor things. Here the girls are, ready to release the butterflies. 

Here you go, little creatures. Enjoy the rest of your short life out in the wild blue yonder!

What is this?  One little butterfly refuses to take flight.  When we look closer, he is a crippled little fellow.  One of his wings has either broken off or it did not fully develop.  I didn't have the heart to set him in the bushes because he surely would have become instant dinner for a nearby bird.  So, we put him back in the cage so he can live out the rest of his life in the comfort of our climate-controlled kitchen, being fed sugar water every day, by my hand.  It's probably not a bad life.  It's better than being bird food, surely.

We will definitely do this again sometime.  We love it.  Next time I think I will make the kids keep a chart, where they write down new developments they notice each day.  Except for the chrysalis phase, which is pretty boring, it's so fun to see the changes every day!